Pain Causes#
For read about pain psychology, read resolving pain
Some main causes of pain during sex are lack of lubrication and vaginismus.
Lack of lubrication.#
Possible causes#
- You are not enough aroused. (Remember non-concordance: arousal not implies wet, nor the contrary).
- Post-menopausal. Post-menopausal women may experience dryness.
- You are turning on any brake. You don’t feel safe or comfortable, you are stressed or you have a negative feeling.
Possible solutions#
- Make your context positive. Hit your accelerators without hitting your brakes.
- Complete your stress cycle.
- Have a good preliminary.
- Use lube. Water based preferably.
Vaginismus#
Vaginismus is chronic tension of the pelvic floor muscle, which makes penetration of the vagina either impossible or very painful.
- Fears: Anticipation of pain, fear to be damaged, pregnancy, virginity, etc.
Solution: Make your context safe, use contraceptive protection, communicate your feelings with your partner.
- Anxiety or stress.
Solution: Complete the stress cycle.
- Trauma: Sexual abuse, physical attack, repressed memories, etc.
Solution: Heal the trauma.
- Partner: Abuse, emotional detachment, fear of commitment, distrust, anxiety about being vulnerable, etc.
Solution: Tell your partner how you feel and/or seek for help.
- Childhood experiences: Overly rigid parenting, unbalanced religious teaching (i.e. “Sex is BAD”), inadequate sex education, etc.
Solution: Get rid of social messages. Draw a new map.
- Pee, poop and fart: Many people have fear to pee, poop and fart out of their houses. So they keep theirs pelvic floor in chronic tension.
Solution: Pee and poop is natural, fart too. Notice when you feel like peeing, pooping or farting and go to the bathroom—If you just want to fart, you can fart wherever you are. Even if you can take a walk while you fart so that no one knows it was you—as often as you need to, no matter where you are. If you are disgusted by sitting on a public toilet, take enough toilet paper and clean the toilet seat cover well before you sit down.
- Physical reasons: Medical reasons, childbirth, age-related changes, inadequate lubrication, pelvic trauma, medications.
Solution: Self-compassion, no pressure and lube. Involve your partner.
Generic solutions#
Mental#
Read Chapter 9: Love What Is True and seek for reasons.
Physical#
- Be aware of your pelvic floor muscles tension, release them.
- Do kegels exercises.
- Vaginal dilators.
- Lube.